Feeling The Crash Coming, But Not Wanting to Stop

Guest Blogging in bold black lettering on a spiral notebook paper, on a desktop with a cup of coffee, laptop computer, and other accessories.

By Allison Jonergin

It’s hard to say no when I’m feeling well, because I want to have fun, see my friends, and be out doing stuff.

There’s an invisible perimeter to my energy levels, unseen even to me. I can sense it nearing, but am often unable to accurately gauge how much activity I can undertake before the ground gives out beneath me. When I feel exhaustion creeping in, I often dread deciding whether or not to make plans. I hesitate, I calculate, I dread, and then I decide. I need to be sure there is enough time in my schedule for adequate rest following the activity. Likewise, I need to be sure there isn’t too much on my plate prior to the activity. But the amount of rest my body requires is variable, adding to the uncertainty.

I’ve been having a great streak lately. My pain and energy levels have been manageable, and I’m choosing to use extra time and energy with friends.

But I worry. I worry because I can feel my energy levels taking longer to replenish. I can feel my pain levels rising. Do I stop now? Do I slow down? Or do I keep going until the crash? Summer only lasts so long, and I want to take advantage of it to do the things I enjoy. My pain is inversely related to air temperatures, and as soon as autumn moves in, I feel less and less able to do things. It’s a recurring dilemma that doesn’t get any easier to resolve.

I began drafting this blog over a month ago, and my predicament has only grown more pressing. I’m falling asleep earlier and still sleeping through even my most obnoxious alarms in the morning. When I get up, my pain levels are beginning to feel as though I’ve missed a dose of my medication, and my brain feels even more fogged than usual. I can feel my body’s warning lights blaring red, but it feels so good to be caught up in this stamina, this marathon of working and hanging out with friends instead of collapsing into the couch. In this precious space, I actually feel the freedom to be normal.

For now, the fatigue, migraines and pain are manageable. Increasing, but not show-stopping. And I am oh, so thankful that these are the largest concerns I have regarding my health and wellness. I’m not scheduling surgeries, I’m not spending my days off getting tests done, and I’m not stressed out about needing to take extended periods of time off from work. If being overly tired, sore from body aches and bogged down with migraines are the worst complaints I have these days, things are pretty darn good. When the last of my energy is gone, my friends can wait. My to-do list can wait. For now, let the good times roll.

Allison Jonergin is a SUNY Plattsburgh alumna and North Country native. She suffers from multiple chronic illnesses including fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, endometriosis, irritable bowel syndrome and degenerative disc disease. She also has post-concussion syndrome, anxiety, depression and PTSD.

The North Country Center for Independence in Plattsburgh, NY is always looking for writing on disability-related topics by people with disabilities in the North Country. If you are interested in writing a guest post for the NCCI Blog, send an email inquiry or draft article to: apulrang@icloud.com.

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