By Allison Jonergin
We don’t often think about disabled people dating. One reason might be that we typically don’t associate disabilities with young folks who are just starting their lives and trying to meet new people.
But yes, disabled people date and carry on relationships like everyone else.
I can’t speak for every single disabled person. Our disabilities are as diverse as we are. But I’d wager a guess that our experience in the tumultuous world of dating has an additional layer of complexity than that of our abled-bodied peers.
For starters, I don’t fit the mold of what society depicts a disabled young adult as looking like. Despite the diversity of disabilities, society has pegged us all as needing wheelchairs and service dogs. For those of us who don’t, we ask ourselves if we should divulge our disabled status, and if so, when and how.
Is it worth it to wade into those waters? It could all fall through after the first couple of dates anyway. My intention when it comes to dating is to seek out a compatible partner, and that requires weeding out candidates who wouldn’t be a good fit.
But they deserve honesty too, and the opportunity to decide for themselves if I’m someone they could be compatible with. It’d be unfair to deprive them of that. I’ll admit I don’t use the “D” word until we’ve established wanting to pursue a relationship with each other. Having chronic illnesses is a big enough pill to swallow, I think, without overwhelming them with too much information too soon.
Instead, I divulge details as they become relevant, in the same way that I would other information about myself. When I share what I do for a living, I might throw in that I work shorter days. And if, when discussing what activity would be fun to do together, my date suggests something that would be too hard for me, I’ll ask if we can modify it or do something else that I know I can manage. And I’ll explain briefly that their idea might be painful for me or too demanding because I have chronic pain.
It’s important to practice honesty and transparency, but we are more than just disabled people. And that is how we should go about presenting ourselves to others.
Allison Jonergin is a SUNY Plattsburgh alumna and North Country native. She suffers from multiple chronic illnesses including fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, endometriosis, irritable bowel syndrome and degenerative disc disease. She also has post-concussion syndrome, anxiety, depression and PTSD.
The North Country Center for Independence in Plattsburgh, NY is always looking for writing on disability-related topics by people with disabilities in the North Country. If you are interested in writing a guest post for the NCCI Blog, send an email inquiry or draft article to: apulrang@icloud.com.