By Allison Jonergin
It’s baseball season, and I’m once again reminded of how different enjoying this beloved pastime is now compared to the days before fibro fog and post-concussive syndrome fatigue.
What used to be a relaxing experience is more of a mental exercise now. My brain’s tendency to zone out becomes particularly intrusive, in that missing a play can lead to a less-than-comprehensive understanding of the overall game. This is especially true the more plays you miss out on.
I find myself rededicating my efforts to concentrate repeatedly, moment after moment. This, in itself, creates a continual distraction that impedes my ability to focus beyond the goings on of my mind. Moreover, my mind is fending off a constant influx of distracting thoughts. To combat this, I first work to create a meditative state in which to distance myself from them. This trance, if you will, must be continuously sustained, producing a kind of mental tension that exhausts my resources rather quickly. This tension also serves to heighten my baseline level of anxiety, as I’m working twice as hard to pay attention. I know that the longer I’m able to sustain this effort, the better my chances are of being able to follow the game and then, enjoy it.
Still, there’s no guarantee that a single distraction won’t break through my concentration and derail the whole process. If one does, or if my mind zones out too often, I adjust my expectations to reflect my abilities in that moment, hoping instead to enjoy each play I’m able to follow. I grant myself permission to relax, however that may look. Oftentimes I retreat to my phone, where I’ll never miss out on anything for having zoned out. I can pick right back up where I left off in the article I was reading, or the text message I was writing, or the alarm reminders I was setting. I can still enjoy the comfort of hearing the game play in the background, if I’m not so overstimulated that it feels better to mute it or turn it off entirely.
Sometimes, the frustration of failing to concentrate long enough to follow a pitch from the time it leaves the pitcher’s hand to the time the batter swings is simply too much to ignore. In that way, the emotional impact of my cognitive abilities, or inabilities, adds to the challenge of finding enjoyment.
But, the greater the challenge, the greater the reward. When I successfully zone back in just as soon as I’ve zoned out countless times throughout the game, and am able to truly say I’ve enjoyed it as much as I knew I could, it’s worth it. Exhausting, but so worth it.
Allison Jonergin is a SUNY Plattsburgh alumna and North Country native. She has multiple chronic illnesses including fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, endometriosis, irritable bowel syndrome and degenerative disc disease. She also has post-concussion syndrome, anxiety, depression and PTSD.
The North Country Center for Independence in Plattsburgh, NY is always looking for writing by people with disabilities in the North Country, on disability-related topics. If you are interested in writing a guest post for the NCCI Blog, send an email inquiry or draft article to: apulrang@icloud.com.